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Newspaper headlines in 2035

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly known as California).
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail  delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%
Average price of a single family home in Southern California is $2,500,000.  and a three bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.
Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.


Blogger Mark said...

By the end of the year, the SAFE AT LAST program, implanting global positioning and monitoring chips into every American, will have been completed. The government will then be able to offer you complete protection, since it will know where you are at all times, what you buy, your blood sugar level, your cholesterol, your blood pressure and all other aspects of your metabolism.

8:51 AM  

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